Jokes Submitted to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I am a recovering stand-up comic and a contributing joke writer for The Tonight Show. Jay sorts through over 200 jokes each day for his 10-minute monologue and settles on about 20 per show. I send in a dozen each day.
Ideally this page will be populated with my daily batch of jokes for the show that go unused that night... well, at least the ones fit to print. But I likely can't maintain it daily.
from July 9, 2012
- Donald Rumsfeld turned 80 years old today. If you're thinking of a birthday gift, I understand he's still looking for some weapons of mass destruction.
- It's the All-Star break for Major League Baseball... or as the Houston Astros call it, Monday.
- Dartmouth Medical School has been renamed after Theodor Geisel, the author of the Dr. Seuss books. Do you really want to go to a doctor who graduated from Dr. Seuss Medical School? "Yeah, doc, I'm feeling kind of run down and achy..." // "Oh, it's just the flu; there's no need to quip. Take some of these pills, and down the street you will skip!"
- Scientists say they have found a gene that acts like an on/off switch that makes a person obese by storing fat. Haven't we known of an obesity switch for years? It's called the mouth.
- Now that the Higgs boson likely has been discovered, the big question is who should win the Nobel Prize, because so many people were involved. I know: I say we give the Nobel Prize to the guy who can explain what the hell a Higgs boson is.
- The restaurant chain Slater's 50/50 in California is offering a 100% ground bacon hamburger topped with strips of bacon and bacon-flavored cheese. I believe it comes with a side of defibrillators.
- The restaurant chain Slater's 50/50 in California has invented a 100% ground bacon hamburger topped with strips of bacon and bacon-flavored cheese. Yes! Who says America has lost its technical prowess?
- Rumor has it that Apple is planning a mini-iPad. Isn't this called an iPhone?
- An American was gorged this weekend during the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. To make matters worse, after he has gorged, he was gouged converting Euros back to dollars.
- The annual Running of the Bulls is happening in Pamplona, Spain. Dozens of people were crushed by the stampede... not from the bulls, from the crowd fleeing the movie LOL.
- Health experts say that teenagers are seeing too many ads for alcohol. Fortunately, most of them are too high to even recognize the ads.
from July 10, 2012
- I was reading an article today about karezza, the practice of having sex without the man reaching an orgasm. It's supposed to help couples build a stronger, more loving relationship. Sex without orgasm... or as women call it, sex.
- It was on this date in 1821 that the United States took control of Florida from Spain. And today Miami said, "Hey, wait a minute, you mean this is America?"
- It was on this date in 1821 that the United States took control of Florida from Spain. In fact, I think the original inhabitants are still living there... and driving!
- Doctors announced today that artificial sweeteners in drinks like diet soda can help people lose weight. At last, the perfect complement to a Big Mac and large fries. We'll be a nation of skinnies in no time.
- Physics students at the University of Leicester in England said that Batman might be able to glide with his cape but he would have difficulty landing smoothly. And their proud teacher said, "Hey, at least they aren't getting drunk every night like other college kids."
- Physics students at the University of Leicester in England said that Batman might be able to glide with his cape but he would have difficulty landing smoothly. Well, I'm glad we've cleared that up. Now, I wonder if Santa Claus could technically consume enough oxygen in that thin atmosphere as he flies?
- Homes in Washington, D.C., are finally getting their electricity back after storms knocked down power lines last week. Even wealthy suburbs such as Bethesda and Potomac were hit. Apparently it was total chaos as residents had to drink Perrier at room temperature. Oh, the humanity.
All jokes written by Christopher Wanjek, Copyright 2012