Rejected Jokes

Jokes Submitted to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I am a recovering stand-up comic and a contributing joke writer for The Tonight Show. Jay sorts through over 200 jokes each day for his 10 minute monologue and settles on about 20 per show. I send in a dozen each day.

Ideally this page will be populated with my daily batch of jokes for the show that go unused that night... well, at least the ones fit to print.

from August 29, 2007

• The only Army officer to be charged in the Abu Ghraib prison torture case got off today without a prison sentence. For the second time, the torture victims were just shocked.
• Scientists said today that to maximize the number of children you have, men should find a wife six years younger... or, just join the NBA.
• Today marks the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. There was a big ceremony in New Orleans in the afternoon. FEMA is expected to arrive next week.
• Today marks the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Much of the area is still in ruins and crime is a big problem. In fact, I'll tell you how bad the crime is: One guy had his empty lot stolen.
• The poverty rate has dropped for the first time since President Bush took office. That's the good news. The bad news is that there are fewer poor because they've died from no health insurance.
• Scientists have found a gene responsible for obsessive compulsion disorder in mice. They say this might one day lead to a cure to treat scientists who study mouse obsessive compulsion disorders 24 hours a day.
• Scientists say that vitamin C actually accelerates the aging process in cigarette smokers. Boy, it's going to be tough convincing smokers to give up orange juice and fresh vegetables. Vitamin C and cigarettes seem to go hand-in-hand.

from August 28, 2007

• Nine out of 10 people surveyed said text-messaging while driving should be banned. The other 1 out of 10 are in a coma after driving off the side of the road while text-messaging.
• NASA says that the Space Shuttle might land tomorrow, weather permitting. The only hurdle left is dragging the astronauts out of the bar.
• Doctors at a meeting in Boston said that obesity is caused by a virus. Apparently you can catch this virus everywhere, too: McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's... How scary is that?
• Keith Richards has admitted that he did indeed snort some of his father's ashes - a claim he denied a couple of months ago. Some kids blow off their parents; Keith Richards turns them into blow.
• Keith Richards has admitted that he did indeed snort some of his father's ashes - a claim he denied a couple of months ago - but he did not snort his mother. Apparently she wasn't up to snuff.
• Paris Hilton might sing in a new opera. This is a science-fiction opera set in the future... when apparently humans have lost their ability to hear.
• Mattel is recalling 1.5 million toys made in China because they are contaminated with lead paint. This includes the popular new doll, "Lower-my-IQ Elmo."
• Doctors at a nursing home in Rhode Island say that a cat there named Oscar can predict death and will walk into the rooms of people who die a few hours later. I'm no medical expert, but you think Oscar might be carrying rabies?
• The Senate has tentatively approved a new warning on cigarettes. They want each pack to come with the warning: The Surgeon General thinks smoking is dangerous but the White House won't let him say that.

from August 27, 2007

• Pope Benedict said yesterday that we must "listen to the voice of the earth or risk destroying it." Yeah, unfortunately the earth is saying "how about a little birth control."
• I read that the latest health trend is learning Hindu breathing techniques. They say that a combination of yoga and deep breathing will help you achieve the 65-year life span they enjoy in India.
• Scientists say they have found a gene that acts like an on/off switch that makes a person obese by storing fat. Haven't we known of an obesity switch for years? It's called the mouth.
• Barry Manilow has a new album coming out called Greatest Songs of the '70s. That's not the 1970s; that just refers to the age of his fans.
• A new study published in the journal Science finds that men talk just as much as women... on average, about 16,000 words. But that's only if you consider "uh-huh" as two words.
• There was a blackout for over an hour yesterday in the wealthy section of Manhattan called the Upper East Side. Apparently it was total chaos as residents had to drink Perrier at room temperature. Oh, the humanity.
• Scientists in England have invented artificial skin that can be used to help wounds heal. They say this works much better than the artificial skin the French had invented. Apparently that was too thin.
• The EPA says that 25% of all lakes in America have contaminated fish. The sad part is, the other 75% of the lakes don't have any fish.
• The CIA plans to release its secret files from the 1960s and '70s for historians to study. And today President Bush said, "Good. Maybe now we'll know what those secret letters C-I-A stand for."

All jokes written by Christopher Wanjek, Copyright 2007
wanjek@yahoo.com